Doubt

You know life's so full of contradictions and unexpected things, the moment you feel like this is the best moment in your life, you suddenly break down and feel like at the bottom of your life. You start questioning yourself why you are there, you start asking if this is the best thing for you, you start wondering what if you chose another path at the first time?

I dont know why but im starting to doubt myself if this is the best thing for me, if this is what i've been dreaming. I enjoy my life here, i got the bestfriends i can have, i'm in the major that i've been craving: International Relation, my life has been good here, i go out and have fun, i laugh every single day,

but i just feel like something's missing, somethings arent just quite right. It's like a part of you have been grabbed out, and there's this big hole inside you. Yet you dont know how to fill it back. You suddenly miss everything you've had before.

Is this what people call by 'growing up?'

Living alone makes you realise that everything you do, every. single. thing. you plan to do, you do, or you did, is your own choice. Now i understand why people say that 'life is a choice'. Your life is created by the choices you've choosen. It's all up to you, how you're gonna live your life, what kind of person you wanna be. Yesterday, it was so easy to put the blame on someone else, on your parents, your friends, you used to depend so much on them too.  Now you cant just blame things to someone else, you cant just depend on someone else, you are alone and you take the consequences by yourself. You're hoping someone else can come and save you. But life is abandoning you, all alone.

Eventually sometimes you cant make it on your own, right?

Frankly speaking, i feel like on the edge of a cliff right now. All these things i'm facing is creeping my out, university stuff, people here are just so smart, and how i am so afraid that i'd be the stupidest kid in class and dissapoint my parents. It was so easy to blame my parents for my bad marks before, i usually just told my mom, 'It's because you forced me to go to this school!!!' But now? I went here all because of my own decision, who to blame?

I'm afraid too if this is really the life i wanna live. I keep wondering if i had taken the other way round, fashion school maybe? German literature? Getting serious in Balinese Gamelan? Then how would my life be? Could it be better?

Now i'm walking with these fears :(

I thought living alone was the best life indeed, you can do anything you want, you can be anything you want, nobody's gonna tell you anything, nobody's gonna warn you. Now i know it's not that perfect afterall. God knows how I really miss my life before, it was just so happy and jolly. I dont think about life, i dont think about choices, i just live life happily. Without any burden. I got my parents on my back, i got my bestbestbestfriends on my side. What else to lose?

Oh how i'm longing to go back. Now i'm just praying that this is actually the life that God wants me to be in. I'm hoping that i'm on the right path. And hopefully things will turn out well.

Sincerely,
Tami.

P.S. I miss my mom and dad, and Disti, Dinar, PM, Dea, Gaby, Anas, Olly, Nana, Jeje, and all of my bestfriends out there, so much. I wish i could once again experience those wonderful things we've had before, but i know it's impossible.

Someone Like You

I dedicated this song to the one and only love i've known:

Sir Diego Lemony Potato Chips

I hope you sleep peacefully somewhere, i miss you :'(

Someone Like You - Andrea Bocelli

There’s a wind that blows
It’s calling your name
And it speaks to me again and again
Telling me go to her
Don’t let her go
Hold her close to you
Then you will know the meaning of love
Exactly what it’s all about
The feeling that I get when I can’t forget
Everything that makes me want to [you]
That’s how deep it goes
All I really know
Is that I love you so and

If it’s the only thing I ever do
Then I know it’s true
That I should love someone like you
Someone who believes in me
Makes my voice to sing with a heart so free
As sure as I can be
For me if one dream can come true
Then I will love someone like you

In your eyes I see
A life that could mean so much more
With you next to me
And if time is cruel
Well I won’t run and hide
I could walk through fire with you by my side
Cause after all if we want forever
There’s a hand to hold
Through the sad and cold
When nobody wants to know you

So never let it go
and you’ll never be alone
knowing that I love you so and

If it’s the only thing I ever do
Then I know it’s true
That I should love someone like you
Someone who believes in me
Makes my voice to sing with a heart so free
As sure as I can be
For me if one dream can come true
Then I will love someone like you

So never let it go
and you’ll never be alone
knowing that I love you so and

If it’s the only thing, the only thing I ever do
Then I know it’s true
That I should love someone like you
Someone who believes in me
Makes my voice to sing with a heart so free
As sure as I can be
For me if one dream can come true
Then I will love someone like you

Then I should love someone like you

Sajak Masa Kecil

Titip salam untuk
debu di kamarmu
tanyakan padanya,
“apakah kau rindu rintik
hujan ti-ga-be-las tahun yang lalu?”
katakan padanya
aku rindu atap kamarnya yang bocor
sehingga tetesan air mengalir
menyusupi retakan-retakan
di dinding kamar yang tua
setua memori kami berdua

Utami Sandyarani
Maret 2009

UN: United Ngayogyakarta

Hola blogwalkers!
Akhirnya ini pertama kalinya gue sempet ngeblog setelah berminggu-minggu gue disibukan dengan kegiatan PPSMB (OSPEK) FISIPOL UGM 2010, ospek jurusan hub.internasional, dan kegiatan-kegiatan awal perkuliahan. Ya kan gue udah jadi MAHASISWA. Gaya.

Yoi nih udah lebih dari sebulan gue mulai berdomisili di Jogja (tapi sekarang gue lg pulang ke jakarta, kan libur lebaran). Sumpah ya sebelom pindah kesini gue udah males-malesan bgt pindah, karena gue pikir Jogja itu sangat memalaskan, membosankan. stereotip gue terhadap Jogja adalah kurang hiburan, ndeso dsb dsb.
Tapi stereotip gue itu bukan tanpa dasar -.- waktu itu gue pernah live in seminggu di Wonosari (deket Jogja) dan itu sangat amat membosankan yaaa, kayaknya sehari tuh lama buanget, lebih dari 24 jam. Kerjaan gue cuman bengong bengong dan bengong. Tetangga lewat depan rumah mau kepasar, gue? bengong. Tetangga udah balik dr pasar bawa belanjaan2, gue? tetap bengong. Ya jgn salahin gue kalo gue mikir Jogja itu ngebosenin bgt.

Namun setelah gue pindah. TERNYATA oh ternyataa..........

Jogja seru bgt. Seriuuuus. Banyak makanan! Serba murah! Banyak tempat nongkrong azek. KEMANA2 DEKET! Ukuran jauhnya Jogja tuh cuman sepitik kalo pake itungan gue. Misalnya dari UGM ke alun-alun selatan. Orang-orang bilang itu jauh bgt. Pas gue coba, yaelah ini mah dari BSD ke Bintaro doang perasaan -.-

Terus tadinya gue pikir nongkrong di alun2 itu sangat GA BANGET. tapi waktu itu gue, nisa, rex, aby, dan rio coba kan ke alun2 makan jagung bakar, terus makan di tengah lapangan sambil niker. ternyata seru juga, ngeliatin bintang2. ga seru sih, cuman kayaknya keren aja gitu. ga keren juga sih. ah yasudahlah pokonyang. pokoknya kenyang.

Terus, makanan MURAH BGT. Masa nasi pecel lele lengkap cuman 5500 perak T_T terharu gua. Mana banyak burjo2 yang siap sedia dengan makanan2 super murahnya itu, sangat menolong disaat duit menipis. Fyi, burjo itu semacam warteg gitu sih. Tapi jualannya semacam mie rebus/goreng, nasi goreng, nasi telor, nasi sarden, dan tentu saja bubur kacang ijo. namanya aja BURJO.
Oiya kalo Jakarta punya KFF, Kemang Food Festival, Jogja punya KFF juga. Kaliurang FoodFezt huahahhaha. Ini tempat enak bgt, very cozy, atmosfirnya jg enak gitu kaya garden party, harga juga standar lah ga mahal hehe.

Baju-baju juga murah, masa depan kosan gue ada butik gitu, baju2nya emg Ramayana style bgt sih, tapi untuk kaos2  polosnya siapa sangka itu cuma 20ribu? #bukakartu. Oiya gue sempet juga ke Amplaz trus lagi sale besar2an gitu, gue beli 4 baju dengan total cuman 70rb paling, lucu2 bgt pulaa.

Terus Jogja itu BEBAS MACET! Lancaaar lancar aja deh, ga kaya di jakarta yang bikin stress. Tapi tetep aja motor dimana2 zz.

Banyak juga kegiatan yg bisa dilakuin di waktu kosong. Kaya waktu itu malem gue abis dari midnight sale malioboro mall, karena udah kayak cendol, akhirnya gue sm cowo gue jalan kaki aja smbil ngobrol2 sepanjang malioboro sampe monumen. sumpah suasananya enak bgt! At 12AM, jalanan malioboro yg lenggang, bule2 dan lokal ngumpul2 nongkrong bareng, ramaaah bgt suasanya..... trus di monumen banyak komunitas macem2 gitu. trus akhirnya kita berenti makan jagung bakar deh disana. it was simply nice!

Jogja juga hidup 24/7. Ga pernah mati. Lo mau keluar pagi, siang, malem, ampe pagi lagi. Pasti Jogja bakal tetep hidup. Lo mau keluar cari makan di pagi buta, pasti ada warung tenda yg masih buka dengan lesehan yg masih dipenuhi orang. Banyak kedai kopi murah yg buka ampe pagi. Enak deh.

Yah demikianlah akhirnya, ternyata Jogja isnt that bad lah. In fact, its soooo fackin cool! Pertemuan antara tradisional dan modern dengan twist of colonial history. Gue tarik deh kata2 'ngebosenin' di atas hehe. Jogja seruuu! :D

Stay cool,
TAMI

Words before I leave this town

So here i am, writing this blog, this might be the last posting im gonna write in my own home. Well tomorrow ill be leaving for Jogjakarta, starting my role as a freshman, im gonna be studying in University of Gadjah Mada.

Its kinda sad you know, leaving this town where you grew up, where you started to know more about life, where you  found your bestfriends, where you met your first love, where all the ups and downs in life began.

I've met so many kinds of person here, i've learnt so many things here, i've tasted so many experiences here, i've recorded so many memories here. Memories.

Do memories last forever?
One thing i know, those experiences i've had together, those giggles, those laughs, those tears, those doubts, and those fears, they wont come back the same, there's no redo button in our life. there's no "Open" button in our life, where you could save your memories and re-open it again anytime you wanted.
They only left us with memories, and that's the only thing you can hold on to.

So many people have changed and affect my life here, and i too might affect somebody else's life. Wether lovers, haters, they all left certain marks on my heart, touching me, changing me into someone else better. And i do thank YOU for that.

Here i am, listening to Your Hand in Mine (The Goodbye Song) by Explosions in The Sky, with teary eyes and all. Soon, imma face something bigger in my life.

I'm so excited, yet..
i'm scared as well.

I'm longing for this freedom, yet i dont know what im gonna face in a strange town alone. But you know we're always scared with things that we dont know right? so i guess, this is normal. I'm just gonna take a deep breath, and be not afraid.
im strong.
even if im in doubt and make a mistake one day, ill remember that i've never been perfect.

geez it's 4:37 AM in the morning, and i havent even blinked for once.
How time pass so fast. How clock ticks too quick.
I thought i'd be a kid forever, i thought i'd never leave mom and dad,
i thought this was my life forever,
all of a sudden, in a blink of an eye, im 18, a grown up girl, ready to leave this town,
alone and all. How weird is that?

And before we even realise, we'll be studying in universities, graduating, working, getting married....
and when we meet each other again, we'll realise that life is THAT short.

people come, people go. some left us with such deep marks, some just pass us like the breeze of the wind.
but there are times where we all stay in the same room, sharing each other's life. Times when we all influence each other's life.

I'll keep these memories, and my bestfriends, you have left such deep marks on my heart, i dont know what else to say than i love you guys and im really really gonna miss you :'(

"We've gona so far and done so much, 

and i feel like we've always been together

right be my side, through thick and thin,

you're the part of my life I'll always remember "

stay cool :)
TAMI!

Song for those who are going away from home :)

Okay so before you read this posting,  click to download the song first, or,
search the song on youtube, and then, you can read it and sing along!

You're Gonna Miss This - Trace Adkins
(the lyric is written from a father's point of view)

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby just slow down

'Cause You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says they don't bother me
I've got 2 babies of my own
One's 36, one's 23
Huh, it's hard to believe

But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

First Hunting w/ Analog (Pentax K1000) @Sunda Kelapa

So yo! June 10th 2010 i went to Sunda Kelapa rite with my mates from Antara. Sunda Kelapa is an old harbour in North Jakarta, its very famous as a hunting site. And there i attempted to use analogue camera, Pentax k1000, Black&white. I took these and i also washed the films by myself too (with help from friends too course!). These are my first attempt! Not so bad i guess.... :p

 and behold some of the fucked up frames... my fingers accidentaly touched the films while washing it i guess...

well not bad as i first timer i guess bahahahah :p

stay cool
TAMI!