You know life's so full of contradictions and unexpected things, the moment you feel like this is the best moment in your life, you suddenly break down and feel like at the bottom of your life. You start questioning yourself why you are there, you start asking if this is the best thing for you, you start wondering what if you chose another path at the first time?
I dont know why but im starting to doubt myself if this is the best thing for me, if this is what i've been dreaming. I enjoy my life here, i got the bestfriends i can have, i'm in the major that i've been craving: International Relation, my life has been good here, i go out and have fun, i laugh every single day,
but i just feel like something's missing, somethings arent just quite right. It's like a part of you have been grabbed out, and there's this big hole inside you. Yet you dont know how to fill it back. You suddenly miss everything you've had before.
Is this what people call by 'growing up?'
Living alone makes you realise that everything you do, every. single. thing. you plan to do, you do, or you did, is your own choice. Now i understand why people say that 'life is a choice'. Your life is created by the choices you've choosen. It's all up to you, how you're gonna live your life, what kind of person you wanna be. Yesterday, it was so easy to put the blame on someone else, on your parents, your friends, you used to depend so much on them too. Now you cant just blame things to someone else, you cant just depend on someone else, you are alone and you take the consequences by yourself. You're hoping someone else can come and save you. But life is abandoning you, all alone.
Eventually sometimes you cant make it on your own, right?
Frankly speaking, i feel like on the edge of a cliff right now. All these things i'm facing is creeping my out, university stuff, people here are just so smart, and how i am so afraid that i'd be the stupidest kid in class and dissapoint my parents. It was so easy to blame my parents for my bad marks before, i usually just told my mom, 'It's because you forced me to go to this school!!!' But now? I went here all because of my own decision, who to blame?
I'm afraid too if this is really the life i wanna live. I keep wondering if i had taken the other way round, fashion school maybe? German literature? Getting serious in Balinese Gamelan? Then how would my life be? Could it be better?
Now i'm walking with these fears :(
I thought living alone was the best life indeed, you can do anything you want, you can be anything you want, nobody's gonna tell you anything, nobody's gonna warn you. Now i know it's not that perfect afterall. God knows how I really miss my life before, it was just so happy and jolly. I dont think about life, i dont think about choices, i just live life happily. Without any burden. I got my parents on my back, i got my bestbestbestfriends on my side. What else to lose?
Oh how i'm longing to go back. Now i'm just praying that this is actually the life that God wants me to be in. I'm hoping that i'm on the right path. And hopefully things will turn out well.
Sincerely,
Tami.
P.S. I miss my mom and dad, and Disti, Dinar, PM, Dea, Gaby, Anas, Olly, Nana, Jeje, and all of my bestfriends out there, so much. I wish i could once again experience those wonderful things we've had before, but i know it's impossible.
