I dont know why but im starting to doubt myself if this is the best thing for me, if this is what i've been dreaming. I enjoy my life here, i got the bestfriends i can have, i'm in the major that i've been craving: International Relation, my life has been good here, i go out and have fun, i laugh every single day,
but i just feel like something's missing, somethings arent just quite right. It's like a part of you have been grabbed out, and there's this big hole inside you. Yet you dont know how to fill it back. You suddenly miss everything you've had before.
Is this what people call by 'growing up?'
Living alone makes you realise that everything you do, every. single. thing. you plan to do, you do, or you did, is your own choice. Now i understand why people say that 'life is a choice'. Your life is created by the choices you've choosen. It's all up to you, how you're gonna live your life, what kind of person you wanna be. Yesterday, it was so easy to put the blame on someone else, on your parents, your friends, you used to depend so much on them too. Now you cant just blame things to someone else, you cant just depend on someone else, you are alone and you take the consequences by yourself. You're hoping someone else can come and save you. But life is abandoning you, all alone.
Eventually sometimes you cant make it on your own, right?
Frankly speaking, i feel like on the edge of a cliff right now. All these things i'm facing is creeping my out, university stuff, people here are just so smart, and how i am so afraid that i'd be the stupidest kid in class and dissapoint my parents. It was so easy to blame my parents for my bad marks before, i usually just told my mom, 'It's because you forced me to go to this school!!!' But now? I went here all because of my own decision, who to blame?
I'm afraid too if this is really the life i wanna live. I keep wondering if i had taken the other way round, fashion school maybe? German literature? Getting serious in Balinese Gamelan? Then how would my life be? Could it be better?
Now i'm walking with these fears :(
I thought living alone was the best life indeed, you can do anything you want, you can be anything you want, nobody's gonna tell you anything, nobody's gonna warn you. Now i know it's not that perfect afterall. God knows how I really miss my life before, it was just so happy and jolly. I dont think about life, i dont think about choices, i just live life happily. Without any burden. I got my parents on my back, i got my bestbestbestfriends on my side. What else to lose?
Oh how i'm longing to go back. Now i'm just praying that this is actually the life that God wants me to be in. I'm hoping that i'm on the right path. And hopefully things will turn out well.
Sincerely,
Tami.
P.S. I miss my mom and dad, and Disti, Dinar, PM, Dea, Gaby, Anas, Olly, Nana, Jeje, and all of my bestfriends out there, so much. I wish i could once again experience those wonderful things we've had before, but i know it's impossible.
3 comments:
tamiiii. kok post lo bikin mellow gini sih tam aaaa kan jadi sedih :'(( tam kalo menurut gue sih lo ngga seharusnya filled with doubts gini. 'Now i'm just praying that this is actually the life that God wants me to be in.' it is indeed. after all, He lets you lead that life, no? berarti emang dari sononya lo ditakdirkan untuk idup kaya lo sekarang ini. dan menurut gue, kalo emang udah takdir, yah that's the best of all possible worlds. because God is good and therefore, he will always give the best for everyone. percaya deeeh, semerana atau sesengsara apapun idup lo di sana, itu yang terbaik buat lo. yah bagaimanapun juga kalo lo sekarang tiba-tiba ngerasa kok idup lo mendadak jadi susah gitu, semuanya mesti mandiri dan segala macem, yah itu emang bagian dari growing up. dijalanin aja taaam sesusye apapun itu. 'life is abandoning you, all alone' itu cuman di mata lo doang. kan lo ngga tau ujung-ujungnya gimana ntar. ya mungkin kalo lo ngambil fashion design atau german literature ato apapun itu idup lo bakal lebih ringan, lebih enak, tapi lo mungkin ngga bakal dapet lessons of growing up kayak mandiri dan laen-laen seperti yang lo dapet sekarang, trus karena lo berasa terlalu nyaman, idup lo mungkin bakal gitu-gitu aja atau malah kebablasan nyantai-nyantai doang. nah kaya gitu justru lebih jelek kan?
semangat taaam, yang jelek itu paling depannya doang, segala sesuatu itu ujung-ujungnya pasti bagus kok, beneran deh. keep your chin up, things will get better. kita semua ngedukung elo kok :))
If that's my name (Dea) i'll say me miss you more........ :""""(
i could say, what you're feeling is a common thing for HI UGM new students. you feel what we call "shock/minder" of new environment. even i feel it too back then, in my first year.
but, i can give you one promise : everything is gonna be alright.
i mean it, they do going better.
you'll find your own path in HI UGM. it just the matter of time. hang on there kid! help is always all around.
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