Are you happy with your life?

You know somehow sometime in our life we will come to the point where we ask this to ourself, are you happy with your life and how it goes?

Well. Maybe im getting my turn now.

How I come to this question, i dont know. But everytime i wake up in the morning, nothing excites me, everytime i go to campus, nothing interests me, everytime i go back to my flat, i finally come again to this room filled with mess.

I finally realise, when you try to please others, you end up unpleasing yourself. How i've been trying to fulfill people's expectation about me. Me the smart girl, me the politic-minded girl, me who-wants-to-be-journalist, me who likes to read book about war, conflicts, and terrorism, me the critical minded girl, me who makes good writings. Now what i get is me-who-dont-even-know-what-I-want-for-my-self. 

In fact,
I am NOT that smart.
I am NOT a politic minded girl, I am FED UP with it.
I do NOT want to be a journalist. I DONT LIKE WRITING.
I do NOT like reading books about war, conflicts, and terrorism. I'd rather read magazines or novels.
I am NOT critical. I dont even care about issues around me.

Now if you ask me again whether i am happy with my life.

It's kinda hard to decide. I'm standing right in the middle of the line. Why? Well you know you've tried so hard and put so much effort until you have what you're having right now. You've sacrificed a lot to be the person you are right now. But the person you are right now, is just not the person you want to be. Plus, it's even more sad when you know you've had them already, and its kind of pity to let it all go.

Yet people will say that i should be grateful for what I have right now. Like everything i've been through, everything i've had, everything i have achieved, many people in this world simply dont have what I have now, many things that people envy me for. You know what? Fvck with that, i dont want to be grateful! Why should I? You should realise that there are many things in this big big world that people take for granted, which i dont have! So to put it simple, we are equal. Now say it again that I should be grateful?


At least I am still breathing, living my complex life, contently.
Maybe its your time to ask yourself, are you happy with your current life?

Stay cool,
Tami